`Where is Ebelechukwu?’
‘Mummy I am here.’
‘Where have you been since morning ehn? And
where are your sandals? Haven’t I warned you
several times not to be walking about bare
footed? Or you want to tell me you don’t have
shoes again? Bring yourself here in front of me
where I can see you properly. Ebelechukwu, I
am going to ask you a question and I am
going to ask you just once. If you know what
is good for you, you better not tell me any of
your usual lies. Are you listening to me
Ebelechukwu?’
‘Yes mummy.’
‘Good, where is the beans I left in that black
small pot in the kitchen? Before you answer
me Ebelechukwu, remember I have warned
you not to lie to me. If you try it, you will see
what I will do to you. Ngwa, answer me, who
ate the beans I left in the kitchen?’
‘Mummy, I ate the beans.’
‘Why, Ebelechukwu? Who told you to eat it?
How many times have I warned you not to eat
anything that doesn’t belong to you in this
house, ehn? I kept that beans so that your
little sister would have something to eat when
she returns from school. You are becoming
very fond of this. Go and bring me my cane. I
will flog some sense into that head of yours
today.’
‘Mummy, I am sorry naa. It is not my fault.’
‘It is not your fault? What do you mean it is not
your fault? Whose fault is it Ebelechukwu?
Open that your mouth and talk to me now or
you will see my red eye today.’
‘Mummy, please naa, I didn’t mean to eat the
beans. It was when I got back from school
and sat down on that broken chair near the
kitchen door and was about removing my
sandals, that I heard a voice calling my name
from inside the kitchen. I was very afraid
because I was the only one at home at that
time. And when I finally entered the kitchen, I
noticed that the voice was coming out of the
black small pot on the old stove. Mummy I
was afraid to touch the pot, so I used the
turning stick to remove the cover. As I looked
inside, the beans was calling my name and
begging me to eat it. So I obeyed.’
‘My beans was calling your name
Ebelechukwu? And you obeyed and sat down
and ate everything? Did you use garri?’
‘Yes mummy.’
‘Oh you even had time to soak garri with it? So
Ebelechukwu, at my age you expect me to
believe this nonsense you are saying? How
come the beans didn’t talk to me all the time I
was cooking it? How come the remaining
beans in the bag have not spoken to anybody
in this house since we bought it? You have
become so special that you can hear the voice
of beans ehn?’
‘Mummy, I am not lying, the beans begged me
to eat it and I was very hungry at the time.’
‘This child, you will not kill me before my time.
I am tired of your case. I will wait for your
daddy to come back from work to hear this
latest story of yours. Common, get out of here
before I break that your coconut head.’
Ebelechukwu must be the most ridiculous liar
since dinosaurs and homo habilis. But his
story of talking beans is no different from the
stories we will be hearing from politicians as
we are being ushered into another political
campaign season. Like Ebelechukwu’s mum,
some of the political campaign lies have left a
lot of us quite confused and shocked. We
have often heard politicians use ridiculous
lines like, “I had no intention of running for this
election but the people have begged me to run
and who am I to say no to the wishes of my
people?” Politicians lie so much that they
can’t even tell when they are lying. They lie
about one another, they lie about themselves,
they lie about issues they know intimately, and
they lie about issues they barely understand.
When you meet a politician, he’d tell you a lie
within 15 seconds of shaking your hand, and if
he’s going to meet your mother, he’ll invent a
special set of lies for her. Nigerians have
become used to politicians lying that they
receive honours for lying more frequently and
more brazenly.
But let us also understand that politicians lie
not because they are wicked (though some
are) but because they have learned that
political markets rarely reward honest
campaigners. The winner of the 1993
presidential election centered his campaign on
how he was once a poor man who hawked
firewood on the streets. It worked brilliantly
and got him a landslide victory. That may
never be seen in the country again. It wasn’t
surprising when the preacher cum politician
claimed to have been asked by God to contest
in 2003 and 2007. Evidently, the ‘God sent’ tag
didn’t go down well with a vast majority of the
public. In politics, lying is part of the job
requirement, a necessary evil. Just four years
ago, the president’s story of having no shoes
can be said to be the masterstroke that got
him elected. With just that line of “I once had
no shoes,” he shattered every dream his
opponents had of taking up residence at the
presidential villa. If I was one of the candidates
of the 2011 presidential election, after hearing
the president’s jaw-dropping punch line, I
would have sacked my campaign manager for
failing to think up something better or equally
unbelievable. From the various campaign
slogans I have heard in the past few weeks, it
is embarrassingly obvious that the campaign
managers these days are downright lazy or
dumb. Everything from their campaign themes
to music and press releases reeks of the same
template used since the 1983 elections. It is a
letdown for those of us who find all the
political mumbo-jumbos of an election year
hilarious. But maybe we should chill a bit for it
is still early into the campaign season. And
even so, this campaign season has already
seen two presidential hopefuls unleashed
some rib-cracking lines such as, “My
nomination and expression of interest forms
were purchased for me by Nigerian market
women and students” and “I took a loan from
the bank to purchase my forms.” All we have
to do now is watch as the lines roll in until
February when it will be left for INEC to
determine whether the winner would be a
bigger liar than the loser.
Culled From The Punch.
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